The One Thing Missing From Your Sex Life? Bondage
For some, the fantasy started with the image of a silk grey tie. Although the prose in Fifty Shades of Grey left much to be desired (and little to the imagination), it helped normalise bondage. Of course, others were into restraints long before E. L. James but the novel certainly played a big role in bringing the B in BDSM into the mainstream. The kink can be a lot of fun — but communication is critical, says Myisha Battle, certified sex and dating coach. She tells Refinery29 that bondage play should involve “quite a bit of planning and talking through what's okay and what's not within the scene that is played out.” Patti Britton, PhD, MPH and clinical sexologist, suggests going as far as taking classes or hiring a teacher. “My biggest message is: Get educated,” says Dr. Britton. “It’s important to know what is appropriate, what is safe, and to work 150% based on high levels of detailed communication, consent and negotiation. This is why the world of BDSM is such a model for the vanilla world or the non kinky people because there's such thorough communication that takes place before anything is done.” Because of the vulnerability and high levels of communication involved in bondage, Dr. Britton says this kink can bring partners closer together, enhancing feelings of intimacy.While you wouldn’t be alone in thinking that bondage is just about restraint, it’s actually much more sophisticated than that, says Dr. Britton. “These are erotic power plays,” says Dr. Britton. “This is about really turning over your power to someone else, and yet maintaining your power at the same time.”In addition to talking through the details with your partner, Battle also suggests asking yourself: What type of experience do I want to create? “The answer to this question will guide you toward the type of equipment you'll need, and provide you with words to communicate what you want to your partner,” she says. “For instance, do you want it to be playful, rough, or sensual? Do you want to be fully or partially restrained? Which body parts do you want to include?" Other factors to consider: do you want to be tied up, or do you want to be the one doing the tying? What types of bondage materials do you want to use? Whether you're the dominant or the submissive, we're here to show you the ropes (sorry, couldn't help it). These Battle-approved positions and tips tell you everything you need to know to get started.This story was originally published in August 2020 and has been updated. All linked products are independently selected by our editors. If you purchase any of these products, we may earn a commission.Handcuffed behind the back Gear: Handcuffs — which may sound simple enough, but the array of product on the market can be mind boggling. Let me walk you through just a few options:There are, of course, the classic silky satin ties and soft restraints for fans of Fifty Shades. For DIYers of another ilk, there’s all sorts of non-chafing rope that can be used to bind wrists together or to bedposts — or pretty much anywhere else you can imagine. If you’re not much of a rigger, then PVC bondage tape or stretchy silicone quickie cuffs may be your new best friend.Don’t discount a good old fashioned pair of handcuffs to get the job done either (just don’t lose the key). If you want a set with a bit more za za zoo — and furry cuffs feel a little passé — maybe tickling feather wrist cuffs have more appeal. Find a pair that’s dainty enough to double as jewellery, you can also wear the cuffs out in public on date night as a teaser of what’s to come.How to: As with all forms of BDSM, communication is paramount. It’s important to discuss roles, expectations, boundaries, and safety beforehand. Who is being restrained? Which positions do you want to try? How much freedom of movement does the restrained person need to feel comfortable? Are there any scenes you want to explore? Pick a safe word and be sure to keep keys or scissors on hand in case someone needs to be unbound quickly.Depending on what you decide, you can secure your partner’s hands behind their back, above their head or to separate bedposts. There are also wrist to neck and wrist to thigh cuff options available if you want to be further restricted without being tied down.“If someone is allowing their partner — with consent and negotiation — to bind their wrists or have fluffy handcuffs on, that's going to enhance excitement,” says Dr. Britton. “Something is suppressed so therefore that the energy is going to go another direction.”Bondage Boutique Soft Handcuffs, $, available at LovehoneyTied to the bed — hands onlyGear: Comfortable restraints that fit under your mattress or can slip around bed posts. Of course you can use a simple set of satin ties or ropes, there are also restraint kits that eliminate the need for complicated knots. Most under the mattress styles are made with leg restraints but there’s no rule that says you need to use all four cuffs.How to: Have your partner lie on t
The kink can be a lot of fun — but communication is critical, says Myisha Battle, certified sex and dating coach. She tells Refinery29 that bondage play should involve “quite a bit of planning and talking through what's okay and what's not within the scene that is played out.”
Patti Britton, PhD, MPH and clinical sexologist, suggests going as far as taking classes or hiring a teacher. “My biggest message is: Get educated,” says Dr. Britton. “It’s important to know what is appropriate, what is safe, and to work 150% based on high levels of detailed communication, consent and negotiation. This is why the world of BDSM is such a model for the vanilla world or the non kinky people because there's such thorough communication that takes place before anything is done.” Because of the vulnerability and high levels of communication involved in bondage, Dr. Britton says this kink can bring partners closer together, enhancing feelings of intimacy.
While you wouldn’t be alone in thinking that bondage is just about restraint, it’s actually much more sophisticated than that, says Dr. Britton. “These are erotic power plays,” says Dr. Britton. “This is about really turning over your power to someone else, and yet maintaining your power at the same time.”
In addition to talking through the details with your partner, Battle also suggests asking yourself: What type of experience do I want to create? “The answer to this question will guide you toward the type of equipment you'll need, and provide you with words to communicate what you want to your partner,” she says. “For instance, do you want it to be playful, rough, or sensual? Do you want to be fully or partially restrained? Which body parts do you want to include?" Other factors to consider: do you want to be tied up, or do you want to be the one doing the tying? What types of bondage materials do you want to use?
Whether you're the dominant or the submissive, we're here to show you the ropes (sorry, couldn't help it). These Battle-approved positions and tips tell you everything you need to know to get started.
This story was originally published in August 2020 and has been updated.
All linked products are independently selected by our editors. If you purchase any of these products, we may earn a commission.
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